Beautiful mistake indeed.

Last night before I fell asleep, I kept thinking about what my friend said. He was telling me about all of his problems. How his life has been. Yes, it was sort of a heart-to-heart moment. I just knew him recently, about two weeks ago? Yes somewhere there. It really is surprising how we got connected easily, how strong out chemistry is and the fact that we can pour everything out to each other.. its somehow makes me comfortable. Because I know, there is someone.. you know? But no, he is just a friend. And I'm still gay.

He told me that he has got no one else in this world. No parents, no siblings, no relatives. He lost his family. Because of.. something really awful. He lost a girl. A girl he used to call 'mine'. I don't want to write about how he lost the most important people in his life here. And right now, he has no place to stay, no friends to hang out with, and he doesn't have that much cash with him. He just.. doesn't have anything in life. Everyday he wishes that he were dead. He even tried to commit suicide once but, it didn't go well. He's still alive.. He said every time he hears the siren of an ambulance, he wishes it was him lying inside it. Dying. You know, when people tell you about their problems, you only care about it for like a millisecond, then you'd start to think about your own shits. About what's wrong in your whole life, really.

As for me, my problems right now, what was I thinking when my friend was pouring his heart out, well... comparing to his shits, mine doesn't seem that big of a deal anymore. It's not even really something to deal with if you think about it. It's just, when you feel like happiness doesn't seem too far from you, unlike how it used to be, when you think you've found something that has lost for a long time, when the reality is better than any of your dreams, and when you tell yourself 'This is it. This is the one'... like, its not. Trust me. I mean, its just an illusion that has been created from two people who are affected to each other. At some point, somehow, the illusion will.. shatter. And everything wouldn't matter anymore. But, somehow, it still matters to me.

Lets just put it this way; Shit happens. Life happens. Fuck it. Move on. Yeh, it seems really easy if you put it that way. Well, life always happens, and its shitty. You cant help it. Its not gonna be like how you've always dreamed about. But to say 'fuck it' to this... bitch, its painful. To even have the thought of me moving on is just, extremely, excruciatingly, impossible. Right now. Right at this moment. Like people always say, time heals everything. Who fucking knows yeh? But one thing I know now is that I dont want to end up like my friend. Im not gonna give up. Its still not too late for me. Im still young, sort of good looking, and healthy.. physically at least. Its one thing not to give up, and one thing, not to stop believing.

Umm... hello?

Yes I know it has been so long since I last updated my blog. Obviously. Im just like, super busy nowadays and.. Im sorry about that. Wait, why am I being sorry? It's not like there are people who actually read my blog consistently. You know, it somehow feels awkward for me to write on my blog after not updating it for so long. Its like, what kind of things do I always write here? Yeh its a little bit awkward. So I have to read my previous posts all over again.. That's stupid, I agree. But whatever, proceeding.

Clearly all the form five students have finished their examination of the year, I forgot what its called. And as all of you already know that Im a form five student. Thats right. Im 17 years old. Whoa, still so young. And dumb. Thats not the point. Point is, Im free from examinations. For now. And I thought the days when the I-forgot-what-its-called examination comes to its end would be awesome and exciting everyday but instead, the days are like.. I dont know. Like something is missing. Like its not what I want. Didn't turn out like Ive planned. Except for hanging out with my friends everyday, going to places that Ive always wanted to go in KL and  meeting new people. Just, socialize.. everyday.

Yes its fun for a while, I admit. I had loads of fun with friends but.. its, like I said, just for a while. I honestly dont know what's missing. Why do I feel.. hate to say write this in public but, why do I still feel lonely? Haha well, lets not get emotional now. So people have been texting me questions like:

What are you doing now? (as in after the exam)
Just hanging out. Stay clean from drugs. Controlling myself to not do anything stupid.

Do you have a job?
Actually I have applied to Party World in Mont Kiara. Their boss is out of town so they'll get back to me when he's here.

How are things? 
Things are really good! *of course I lied*
Okay, how are things between you and your girlfriend?
Like I said, really good.

Hey. Wanna hang out sometime?
Sure. Just call me whenever.

Funny thing is, people who asked me out, never called. Well if you need me, Im always here. Despite the fact that some of you guys have never been here for me. But... lets not get dramatic now. Anyway, Im actually in a hurry now.. So, peace-out suckers!