Who wins?

Who do you go to..
if you have no best friend?
when all your close friends are fake?
Let's face it, you don't have any real friends.
Who do you go to when you hate your big brother?
and the rest of your siblings don't even care?
and your mum has never been there for you.

Where else would you go..
if your home doesn't feel like home anymore?
when you feel like killing everyone around you?
killing everyone on earth, the society.
Perhaps imagining being all by myself, somewhere
is the best getaway for my mind.

How would you feel like..
if your emotions are all mixed up?
You're just.. sad about everything and worse,
there is nothing you can do about it.
When all these emotions in you are just.. confused,
and your heart is at war with your mind,
who wins?
which one will you let to win?
which one will I let?

The tough thing about following you heart is that people forget to mention that sometimes the heart takes you to places you shouldn't be. Places that are scary as they are exciting and as dangerous as they are alluring. Sometimes your heart cant take you to places that leads to happy ending. That's not even the difficult part; the difficult part is when you follow your heart, you leave normal; you go into the unknown and once you do you can never go back. Let me share something. The worst feelings that I've felt, for my whole life are:

Loneliness.
When you're in bed, it's 1:15 am and you just can't sleep. Being in the dark by yourself, gently crying. And no one knows what's going on with you. How could anybody realise what's happening? Everyone you know is resting peacefully in their bed, having dreams, waiting for tomorrow. But for you, there's no difference in the days. They pass monotonously and before you know it, it's all gone.

To feel alone in a crowded room. You're sitting there and just feeling lonely. And you feel like every smile, every laugh from everyone isn't something that's genuine. Observing everyone, watching their movement, judging them silently in your head. Assuming what's on their minds right at the moment. And from there, your mind starts to wander about your problems. One problem, to another. Your life sucks, oh that's the conclusion alright.

Being hurt.
By people you love or some of them now, loved. It doesn't matter in what way they had hurt you. It all felt the same. Whether it be, they cheated on you with some Indian face-eater or this girl who looks just like you, that's what they say. But I doubt her looks are better than me. She might be nicer, and has more manners than me but not better looking. You can say 1/2 of my exes cheated on me. Well not asking for sympathy here. It just felt worse than it already did when they promised you with all of their hearts not to cheat or break your heart(? haha), but then, they did. Like people always say, sometimes we must get hurt in order to grow; we must fail in order to know. Sometimes our vision only clears after our eyes are washed away with tears. Oh, my vision got clearer and clearer after each one of my relationship, undoubtedly.

And also whether it be, when you give everything, every last piece, and not get the same. And then to be left with nothing since you gave it all away. To learn how to function with these “consequences” of your actions, of giving yourself, and having nothing left to show. This is the worst of the worst. Things like this that will make your heart be at war with your mind because questions like 'Should I let go or just hold on for a little while more?' will be questioned inside your head. My heart says, "Hold on. It will be worth it. She's worth it. Just give it some time because you guys are having an examination currently". While my brain says, "Dude, stop thinking about this and get some studying done. She's not even thinking of you. If she were, she would text or call or even say hi at school. Because it is a fact that people who truly want to stay in your life, put some effort to be in it. Just don't take the risk".

Your heart knows that it is worth every single last thing; your feelings couldn't agree more. Then your head puts together logical reasoning for it to work, for how everything could be just fine, but your head also has the darker side. What if it's just not worth the fight? What if you need to quit? Yes I know my thinking is a pain in the ass. For me, my brain always wins over my heart. But no, not this time. Brain, I love her and I would really like to make this work. And stay out of this. Heart, thanks for all the support that I needed. But if you're wrong, I will beat the crap out of you. Even that means I have to kill myself. Whoa that's just a little too much don't you think, Aqilah? And why the fuck am I talking to myself?! Oh good god.

Spm can suck it.

Im so sorry for not updating my blog since like, before Spm? Yes, I have been super busy studying for the examination. And its not even over yet. Like I said my last paper would be on the 1st of December, and until then, I wont be updating my blog. But, I swear I will write a decent post, talking about stuffs that happened and all that after Spm is over. And also finish my 15 day challenge. Qielster-out!

You got it backwards.

I found this article that says Dato' Ambiga, the chairman of Bersih, has launched another illicit festival celebrating the human rights of people of diverse sexual orientations and gender identities. You can read the article here! Okay first of, it says that the exertion of LGBT will put the institution of marriage in jeopardy? Oh come the fuck on. Let me get this straight. Charlie Sheen can make a 'porn family', Kelsey Grammer ended his 15 year marriage over the phone, Larry King is on divorce for the ninth time, Britney Spears had a 55 hour marriage, Jesse James and Tiger Woods (whilst married) were having sex with everyone, and recently Kim Kardashian filed divorce paper to her husband after being married for 57 days.

But somehow they say, it is same-sex marriage that is going to "destroy the institution of marriage"? Really? Name me one married gay couple that has done any of the above. Wow you cant even think of one, unless if you google it or something. You know, the only consequences of gay marriage that I can see are.. gays marry and orphans get adopted. I can only think of two now. But I cant see families are destroyed, ice-caps melt, and Russia invades or something if gays get married. No, I am not saying we should legalize gay marriage everywhere, especially here in Malaysia. People here are still not and wont be ready ever. But, I think we, LGBT should all be treated equally just like any other citizens and not getting the eww-oh-my-god-check-that-out look everytime we only hold hands in public instead of getting really intimate on the escalator like some straight couples do. Mostly Chinese, no offense. But seriously, I HAVE HAD ENOUGH, OF THAT LOOK.

Oh and about the spreading diseases like HIV, dont put all the blame to us yes. There are druggies that share the same needles, and there are tons of people who have sex with tons of other people from the opposite sex without using any protection so there goes, the virus did not come from only same-sex intercourse, obviously. I mean, I hope not. Im just saying whatever is on my mind right now. And of course, most of us apply safe sex, totally, eg. gays use condoms. But that is an assumption too. Hey, Im just defending what I think should be defended for. And just for fun :

Yep I got the picture from Tumblr. She has a point. The below picture, of course. Talk about hideous sweaters right. Who wears that? No, who wears a striped orange and blue, with the stupid double white V line on the centre, white collared sweater? I mean come on doesnt she even have... Okay lets not get judgemental about her sweater and her taste now. Lets just focus and agree on "Dont tell me to support narrow minded ignorance" thing. 

Menulis blog gaya Malay.

Ramai orang beritahu saya yang saya sepatutnya menggunakan Bahasa Malaysia lebih daripada bahasa yang digunakan di blog ini iaitu Bahasa Inggeris. Baiklah, cabaran diterima. Saya mendapati bahawa menulis blog menggunakan bahasa ini adalah agak susah berbanding dengan menggunakan Bahasa Inggeris yang saya sudah terbiasa akannya. Oh, dan saya memang tidak menggunakan Google translate untuk pos ini. Hey, saya orang Melayu dan amat bangga dengan kenyataan itu. Baiklah saya mengaku.. saya telah menukar perkataan kenyataan melalui Google translate sebab saya tidak tahu apa statement dalam BM. Tetapi hanya satu perkataan sahaja. Okay! Saya juga telah menukar berbanding, terbiasa, dan pos. Samanlah saya.

Saya tahu, saya amat menyedihkan. Sebagai orang Melayu yang tidak selalu menggunakan bahasa tanah airnya sendiri dan tidak fasih menulis dengan bahasa itu adalah sangat menyedihkan. Sekurang-kurangnya saya sedang mencuba yang terbaik. Dan sudah tentu saya tidak akan mencemari bahasa ini dengan menggunakan bentuk pendek, menukar ejaan perkataan contohnya(saya ambil ini daripada blog kepunyaan seorang Melayu yang tipikal);

Today pegi skola dlm keadaan terpaksa, tapi akhirnye redha dan bersyukur kerana esok diberi harapan bahawasanya akan dpt mknan free spe yg dtg arini.

Yes. MKN<3

Awak serius ke? Saya dan ramai lagi orang(saya harap) amat benci akan penggunaan bahasa seperti diatas. Tolonglah, jangan sesekali cuba untuk menulis text, blog, surat, dll. seperti itu. Anda tahu siapa anda. Saya rasa ianya tidak mengapa apabila ayat-ayat ditambah lah atau ke atau doh kerana itu adalah slang orang Malaysia. Tetapi janganlah sampai macam contoh diatas.

Baiklah. Saya tahu ini adalah perkara yang pelik untuk dibaca. Dan cara saya menggunakan Bahasa Malaysia di pos ini macam... tak biasa sebab agak formal. Saya cuma ingin menyampaikan kepada kamu semua yang kita perlulah menggunakan Bm dengan cara yang betul. Okay, tipu je. Sumpah pelik gila type macam ni. Tolonglah. Saya? Haha memang tak ah. Haih gelak sorang-sorang pulak. Okay, selamat tinggal! 

Nota kepada diri sendiri : Jangan cuba type macam ni, lagi.