Who wins?

Who do you go to..
if you have no best friend?
when all your close friends are fake?
Let's face it, you don't have any real friends.
Who do you go to when you hate your big brother?
and the rest of your siblings don't even care?
and your mum has never been there for you.

Where else would you go..
if your home doesn't feel like home anymore?
when you feel like killing everyone around you?
killing everyone on earth, the society.
Perhaps imagining being all by myself, somewhere
is the best getaway for my mind.

How would you feel like..
if your emotions are all mixed up?
You're just.. sad about everything and worse,
there is nothing you can do about it.
When all these emotions in you are just.. confused,
and your heart is at war with your mind,
who wins?
which one will you let to win?
which one will I let?

The tough thing about following you heart is that people forget to mention that sometimes the heart takes you to places you shouldn't be. Places that are scary as they are exciting and as dangerous as they are alluring. Sometimes your heart cant take you to places that leads to happy ending. That's not even the difficult part; the difficult part is when you follow your heart, you leave normal; you go into the unknown and once you do you can never go back. Let me share something. The worst feelings that I've felt, for my whole life are:

Loneliness.
When you're in bed, it's 1:15 am and you just can't sleep. Being in the dark by yourself, gently crying. And no one knows what's going on with you. How could anybody realise what's happening? Everyone you know is resting peacefully in their bed, having dreams, waiting for tomorrow. But for you, there's no difference in the days. They pass monotonously and before you know it, it's all gone.

To feel alone in a crowded room. You're sitting there and just feeling lonely. And you feel like every smile, every laugh from everyone isn't something that's genuine. Observing everyone, watching their movement, judging them silently in your head. Assuming what's on their minds right at the moment. And from there, your mind starts to wander about your problems. One problem, to another. Your life sucks, oh that's the conclusion alright.

Being hurt.
By people you love or some of them now, loved. It doesn't matter in what way they had hurt you. It all felt the same. Whether it be, they cheated on you with some Indian face-eater or this girl who looks just like you, that's what they say. But I doubt her looks are better than me. She might be nicer, and has more manners than me but not better looking. You can say 1/2 of my exes cheated on me. Well not asking for sympathy here. It just felt worse than it already did when they promised you with all of their hearts not to cheat or break your heart(? haha), but then, they did. Like people always say, sometimes we must get hurt in order to grow; we must fail in order to know. Sometimes our vision only clears after our eyes are washed away with tears. Oh, my vision got clearer and clearer after each one of my relationship, undoubtedly.

And also whether it be, when you give everything, every last piece, and not get the same. And then to be left with nothing since you gave it all away. To learn how to function with these “consequences” of your actions, of giving yourself, and having nothing left to show. This is the worst of the worst. Things like this that will make your heart be at war with your mind because questions like 'Should I let go or just hold on for a little while more?' will be questioned inside your head. My heart says, "Hold on. It will be worth it. She's worth it. Just give it some time because you guys are having an examination currently". While my brain says, "Dude, stop thinking about this and get some studying done. She's not even thinking of you. If she were, she would text or call or even say hi at school. Because it is a fact that people who truly want to stay in your life, put some effort to be in it. Just don't take the risk".

Your heart knows that it is worth every single last thing; your feelings couldn't agree more. Then your head puts together logical reasoning for it to work, for how everything could be just fine, but your head also has the darker side. What if it's just not worth the fight? What if you need to quit? Yes I know my thinking is a pain in the ass. For me, my brain always wins over my heart. But no, not this time. Brain, I love her and I would really like to make this work. And stay out of this. Heart, thanks for all the support that I needed. But if you're wrong, I will beat the crap out of you. Even that means I have to kill myself. Whoa that's just a little too much don't you think, Aqilah? And why the fuck am I talking to myself?! Oh good god.